UN arms treaty blocked by Iran, North Korea and Syria

Iran’s space monkey was faked: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad invents cheesecloth pantaloons

IRAN did not fire a monkey into space. When Anorak read the news that Iran had done what the USA had done in 1961, we feared that before long Iran’s go-ahead leaders would be wearing cheesecloth pantaloons, reinventing the TV dinner and invents computer smaller than a one-bedroom flat.

Sure, the Fars news agency and other state-controlled media showed the world the face of the space monkey. We noted that the monkey sported a red mole above its right eye and a band of light fur around the side of its head. Oddly, after the flight, the monkey had changed. The red dot had gone. The fur had change colour.

Also, the second monkey has smaller hands and would have difficulty operating the spacecraft.

How did this happen? Had space altered the monkey? Can space flight cure bad skin and hair? Is space flight the next step for cosmetic surgery? Or did Iran just lie? Was there ever a monkey in space?

And has anyone seen Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

Update: Sources close to the Iranian regime are blaming Mossad, whom, as Egypt’s leader assures as, are descended from apes.

Go-ahead Iran invents machine to decapitate fingers and fires monkeys at Israel

EARLIER this week Iran shot a monkey into space. It is feared that very soon Iran will firing monkeys at Israel. Anorak’s security expert tells us that at the current rate of technological progress, the next forty years should see Iran: discover Pot Noodle; build a computer smaller than a bedroom; have hands free dialling; syndicate Deal or No Deal; and learn that taking two bottles into the shower is not always necessary. For now, though, Iran is rejoicing that a monkey has made it into the great known, an event that follows the news that the country has invented a machine for amputating the fingers of thieves.

Iran’s ISNA news service has released images of three hooded officials holding a man’s hand in a vice as another turns a blade attached to what appears to be 1962 Signer sewing machine.

The man is labelled as convicted thief and adulterer. Has had been sentenced to losing three fingers, three years in prison and 99 whip lashes.

The whip is said to a state-of-the-art whip fashioned from blend of the cow hide the go-ahead Iranians have nicknamed “leather”.

Says one stargazer: “ET go home? Nah! He can’t get his finger in the grooves to dial the numbers. But experts in Tehran are working on what they call “touch tone” phones. You heard it hear first, Mahmoud…

PETA don’t like monkeys in space

IRAN have announced that they are going to send a monkey into space, and despite the fact half the celebrity world is fighting for a place on Richard Branson’s spaceflights, PETA aren’t happy about it. Don’t they realise how clever a monkey has to be to be able to fly a spaceship?

Wait. The monkey isn’t willingly going? Ah.

Either way, Iranian TV has shown pictures of a monkey strapped into a space pod. You’ll be familiar with the set-up as pretty much the same thing was done in the spacerace of the ’50s.

PETA claims it was “appalled” by the images of the “visibly terrified monkey” in the Iranian state TV footage, adding that the scenes harked back to the “darkest days” of the “wasteful and cruel mistakes” of the space race.

Iran meanwhile, have at least shown an equal contempt for all animalkind, as they’ve previously tried to send a rocket to space filled with monkeys, a mouse, worms and a turtle. A veritable ark you might say.

This is all thanks to Iran’s hope to send a manned programme to space. Iranian defence minister Ahmad Vahidi said earlier this week: “This success is the first step towards man conquering space, and it paves the way for other moves.”

Man, conquering space eh? We’ve done a sterling job so far, having hardly anyone toddling around on the moon. Still, at least the conspiracy theorists get good use out of it all.

Previously.

Gawker says Iran wants to murder all Jews with nuclear bombs

NICE work by US online tabloid Gawker to begin a story:

Here Is the Super-Scary Chart That Iran Will Use to Kill All the Jews

The chart is from the Associated Press, which explains the above chat:

The undated diagram that was given to the AP by officials of a country critical of Iran’s atomic program allegedly calculating the explosive force of a nuclear weapon _ a key step in developing such arms. The diagram shows a bell curve and has variables of time in micro-seconds and power and energy, both in kilotons _ the traditional measurement of the energy output, and hence the destructive power of nuclear weapons. The curve peaks at just above 50 kilotons at around 2 microseconds, reflecting the full force of the weapon being modeled. The Farsi writing at the bottom translates “changes in output and in energy released as a function of time through power pulse” (AP Photo)

From that Gawker got:

Here Is the Super-Scary Chart That Iran Will Use to Kill All the Jews

Is it a Jew-seeking bomb?

Iranian scientists have run computer simulations for a nuclear weapon that would produce more than triple the explosive force of the World War II bomb that destroyed Hiroshima, according to a diagram obtained by The Associated Press.

The diagram was leaked by officials from a country critical of Iran’s atomic program to bolster their arguments that Iran’s nuclear program must be halted before it produces a weapon. The officials provided the diagram only on condition that they and their country not be named.

Brilliant. The world is in peril. The whistleblower blows a whistle. But they want to remain anonymous, so stripping the leaked document of the credibility it craves to make it fly.

The International Atomic Energy Agency — the Vienna-based U.N. nuclear watchdog — reported last year that it had obtained diagrams indicating that Iran was calculating the “nuclear explosive yield” of potential weapons. A senior diplomat who is considered neutral on the issue confirmed that the graph obtained by the AP was indeed one of those cited by the IAEA in that report. He spoke only on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the issue.

The AP declares:

AP EXCLUSIVE: GRAPH SUGGESTS IRAN WORKING ON BOMB

Of course, Iran has an eye to making nuclear bombs. What the point of having nuclear technology without one? But to Gawkr’s John Cook (that you Mel Gibson?) it’s all about killing Jews. Iran is building bombs that could kill millions of people just to get the Jews. The obvious solution would be to round up the Jews, put them in a big field and save the other folks.

Nice work, Gawker… You found a solution:

Iran’s Neda Soltani blames lazy media for her plight

THE BBC has the story on Neda Soltani NOT Neda Agha-Soltan. In 2009, Neda Agha-Soltan was killed in Tehran. The Iranian protest movement was gathering pace. Shots were fired. An unarmed woman was killed. The horror was captured on video. That video was posted on YouTube. The insurrection had a martyr. And we had a face of Iranian brutality. But the face we got was not that of Neda Agha-Soltan. We got the face of Zahra Soltani, aka Neda Soltani. So keen were large sections of the media to broadcast a face that they ever changed Neda Soltani’s name to Neda Soltan to fit the narrative.

We made a list.

Neda Soltani was an English teacher at Islamic Azad University

She tells the BBC:

On 21 June 2009, I went to my office early in the morning and opened my email account to find 67 Facebook “friend requests”. Over the next few hours I received another 300 requests. I didn’t know then that my photo and name had appeared on websites and TV broadcasts across the world.

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The collected marches of Iran’s Busby Berkeley divisions

WHEN the war with Iran comes, it will be won from the air. The US and her allies will have jets, bombers and space; the Iranians will have photoshop and a way to entertain the Heavens that Busby Berkeley would have loved, had he been a racist nutter with an itchy beard:

1. The yellows, whites and greens run into the blues, greys and reds without mixing. Mums faced with piles of dirty laundry get the message. These colours don’t run:

2. All Jews in this display were played by actors. (Hey, it’s Hollywood, baby):